I’ve kinda already typed out my year-end post to be published on the last few days of 2009 (or first few days of 2010, depends when I come online). So I guess this is probably my last post for this year.

So Christmas is over and done with. I had just about the perfect Christmas. Christmas concert on the eve, early start to the day thanks to my 8 year old brother who couldn’t wait to open the presents, loads of Guitar Hero, music playing in every corner of the house, 90% successfully made a friend’s famous mushroom soup, turkey + dad’s quiche lorraine dinner, friend’s birthday barbeque and later, drinks –  a perfectly chilled out, easy-going Christmas and I wouldn’t have traded it for anything else. Definitely the last one in Malaysia for a while – am hoping to get a white one next year.

***

I’m done with being frozen. Like Lot’s wife in the Bible, she turned back and turned into stone. Being frozen gets a little lonely when you see the rest of the world rushing past you. I know there are things I cannot change and I had enough trying to. I’m amazed by how much forward I’ve moved since summer this year. But these few days, memories have been playing like a film reel in my head. I’ve decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and from the moment I made that decision, the images has been flooding my mind non-stop.

But today God said, “Don’t be like Lot’s wife.” I’ve been frozen for a long long time and I see the world moving along past me. I tried to reach out, grab the hands belonging to these familiar faces and beg them to take me with them. Done everything in my power to follow behind. My arms and legs have broken free and I caught up. I thought I was going to be okay. But little did I know that my heart was still frozen. No matter how I tried I couldn’t move forward cos my heart was holding me back. And that part of me wasn’t ready to follow along; that part of me continued to look back everyday. For a while I couldn’t understand why I can’t move on when it feels like I have. And then I realised that my heart had gotten colder with the season. Became even more frozen, harder to thaw, as cold and solid as a block of ice. But today I want my heart of flesh back. I’m done being frozen. Done looking back at 2008. Finished with remembering – let memories stay memories. I’m letting go of all the unforgiveness, anger, resentment, hurt, brokenness, vengeance, bitterness. I’m letting it all go today.

You can’t just stop being frozen when you already are. But my God is a God who is an amazing rectifier of mistakes. He can turn my mistake around and He can unfreeze me. Ever loving, ever forgiving. He’s going to start injecting warmth today. My frozen heart might take a while to melt but by letting a little warmth come back is making all the difference.

Just had a proper chance to sit down and have a look at all my vacation scheme applications. All the covering letters and CV requirements. Reading all the questions on demonstrating commercial awareness etc. And it’s all so easy to be discouraged and to give up even before I try.

Sometimes, it’s so much easier to not dream big. To just be content with life as you know it. But I’ve been brought up to shoot for the stars because I am as capable as any other person applying and if that’s what I truly want, God will give it to me. That life is bigger than I can imagine. I was told to dream big cos life is so much more than the bubble I am in. I’ve been taught that I can do anything I lay my hands to do because I have God on my side. And that I’m in no way any less better than the next person.

It’s just that when I look at my circumstances, I feel like I will never make it. But I’m sure it’s just a tiny moment of discouragement. I can do ANYTHING in Christ who strengthens me and it means applying to the TOP law firms in London. It’s not me, it’s for Him to do. And like what I always always tell people, “no harm trying!” Even if I don’t get any offers, hey at least I won’t hate myself for not trying!

Lying on the floor in front of my laptop. Listening to instrumental music in the midst of the quiet of the night. Loving the fact that I’m alone but not lonely. Knowing that I can stumble but God is always there to pick me up. I felt completely like shit just 15 minutes ago but I know “I am strong in the Lord. No matter how much it is going to hurt, God you’re going to be there.” And you know what, it doesn’t feel as bad anymore. I’m going to be ok.

That’s probably the first thing that hit me when I walked into my room. My extended table has been dismantled. The top of my chest of drawers is cleared. My room is the neatest and cleanest than it has been in months. The posters on my feature wall has been taken down since the termite infection. My stereo doesn’t have the pre-set programs to radio channels I listen to anymore. All my clutter has been brought over to Bristol. Everything that has made my room MINE is no longer there.

I put on Avril Lavigne’s Let Go album. I stare at the rose patterned drawer handles, coral walls, my decade old dollhouse, my collection of bags over the years, my easy chair piled with junk waiting to be thrown.

I’m no longer 15.

And you know what? It doesn’t matter. Life is about closing chapters. And right now, the story of my life lies at the chapter of being on the verge of becoming an adult and living alone. I don’t yearn to be 15 and carefree. I don’t long for the past years. I’m moving on. I have moved on. I don’t “live” in this house anymore – but don’t take it the wrong way, I don’t feel like my parents are throwing me out or that this country is no longer home. It’s just that all these is not part of who I am anymore.

I am happy where I am now. And I’m looking forward to the future. That’s where my life lies. Forward. And I can’t wait to see where life (and God) takes me! Isn’t it exciting to know there’s so much more to life than just what I can see now?

For all the blessings I cannot yet see, thank You.

Mannnnn. This year has certainly flown past. This term just passed without me noticing. Learnt one thing through it all though – being a good student is TOUGH. How does anyone do it? To be able to know all the answers in tutorials, to finish all the reading, to hand in essays on time, constant tests and on top of that, juggle household chores, cooking, find time to have a few drinks once in a while or a night out, catch up with friends and still enjoy everything you do.

In 12 hours, I will be the most relieved person in the whole world. Test will be over and one term of work finally done. But it will only last a brief moment. Cos afterwards I come home to rush last minute packing and catch the coach. I’m never leaving on the last day of term ever again. Then again, I don’t even know when I’m coming home next.

All I’m looking forward to is some proper sleep that I haven’t had in a few weeks now. Sunshine here I comeeeeeee! See you soon! x

In the end we are all just lost souls in a dying world. Down trodden and weary, looking for an escape. Or rather, a place to call home. Merely empty shells seeking refuge from such a dreary place.

Is there ever an end? Yes. But where? When?

Yes. I can’t tell you. But I caught a glimpse of it when my heart danced.

The Strangers Were Lovers

You look at me, now, like this and think “This is who they were all along.”

But this is just who I am to other people. And you became other people.

- I Wrote This For You

This website is one of the best finds ever. Inspiring, thought-provoking and heart-wrenchingly beautiful.

The previous post was one filled with confusion, tiredness, helplessness, stress and worry. But after all that, right now, the only thing I truly feel is sadness.

Remember this? Even if you don’t remember or haven’t had a clue about what it is about. Well, it’s the reason why my heart is breaking all over again. This time it’s happening to one of my close friends. And I’ve prayed. And asked and cried and believed. This time round I’ve stopped asking why, because I know He always has a reason. This time round there’s a peace that reassures me everything’s going to be ok. I know He can show me another miracle. And I know He can give her a miracle. Yet I’m afraid.

There is just so much going on right now that it’s crazy. These last two weeks are the busiest. I almost got no work done so far because I can’t concentrate. Yet I want time to slow down for me and at the same time fly past so I can go home.

I’m terribly homesick because I feel like there’s nothing I can do and yet so much more I can. I need my superhero-praying-parents to reassure me everything is going to work out. That everything is going to go back to normal.

Life is fleeting but she’s not done. There’s so much more she wants out of it. All of us do Lord. Please make sure everything’s going to be ok.

Tous les jours.

Forever.

You are in control Lord. Aujourd’hui et demain.

In good times and bad times, You are there. I know You are here and You hold the situation in Your hands.

Lord we’re relying on Your miracle to come to pass.