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So after the past week, I feel like life cannot get any tougher. Haha. Well at least not while I’m still in law school. Last week was crazy stressful hectic right up to Friday itself and I’ve never been more glad it’s the weekend! Even though I say that now, I’m sure the next few weeks aren’t going to be easy. Especially when property essay and ACT exam week comes up. Oh wells, I’ll handle that when it comes along. Slept half the day away today after yesterday’s chicken rice + guitar hero + poker night. Lazy rest of the day spent talking to parents, watching Gossip Girl, Friends, ASOS shopping, easy meal with housemates and household chores. I LOVE saturdays. Especially when it’s wet and rainy outside and you know you don’t have to go out. ;)
Anyway here are two songs I’m loving at the moment. Enjoy! (:
Michael Buble – Haven’t Met You Yet
I’ve always needed one guy to prove to me that they are all not the same. And a while ago I thought I finally met that guy. And let’s just say he wasn’t the one to prove me wrong. So I’m still waiting and maybe I just haven’t met “you” yet. (:
Leona Lewis – Happy
I’m not going to play “life” safe. Sure it is great when you never get hurt. But how would you know what happiness is like if you’ve never tasted disappointment? I’m risking it all to be happy.
Have a good week! <3
Truth to be told, I haven’t been very happy for the last few weeks/days. Actually, right up till this evening I was feeling this heavy-heartedness. I have been trying to juggle everyday workload, career events, law firm presentations, essay due next week, research on law firms, house issues, emotions.
I went to CU for the first time in a year today. And I realised recently I’ve become one of those people who chase material things to be happy. Dad has been telling me no matter what the situation is, praise Him. In sadness and joy you’ve gotta be in a state of mind where you can always praise Him. So “yeah yeah I understand” but what I didn’t know is I couldn’t praise Him because I’ve been dedicating ALL my time to other things. I thought if I had these or that I would be happy. If I get the internship, that vacation scheme, this 2 week placement then I’m on my way to this and that and only then I’ll be happy.
BUT no! My source of joy should be from God! That if I don’t get these things, if I never have a chance to work in London, if I lose this or that I should still rejoice BECAUSE HE IS WHERE MY HAPPINESS COMES FROM! “And that’s the reason I can be joyful because no one can take that away from me!” Yes these things matter. They are the things I want but He said, “Delight yourself in me and I’ll grant you the desires of your heart”. I shouldn’t be talking to God only because I want all these but first and foremost I should DELIGHT myself in Him. I should ENJOY His presence. And all these other things are secondary, they will fall into their right places.
Felt like I just woken up from a zombie-like state of lying to myself all this while. I’m still a little sad (I have no idea for what reason, maybe Seasonal Affective Disorder) but I’m definitely feeling 100 times better than I have in the last few weeks. Still mentally exhausted and am mentally preparing myself for a tough week that lies ahead but here’s to being happier in no matter what state of mind I’m in! (:
I’m tired and drained and feeling like nothing is worth everything I do. I’m fighting to keep my faith. Heck I’m fighting just to keep my spirits up. I’m piled up with tutorial readings and on top of it all, all the career events shit isn’t helping. I get more depressed at every talk or event I go to. People tell me I’m never getting anywhere if I don’t have passion. And at this point in time I still don’t know if law is what I truly want to do. Yes I’ve had this conversation countless times with countless different people. But now it’s different. I need to make a choice soon. And soon is not very far off. I need to start applying for internships, training contracts, BPTC, pupillage whatever. I have options thrown at me right left and centre and I don’t know if I’m in the right place to begin with. I’m questioning why am I here. Will I even make it out of here? Who am I supposed to be? Where is life taking me? Where are You taking me? Are You even here?!
I need a friend. Someone who would talk to me without trying to push me into believing that I’m on the right path. Someone with unbiased perceptions. Not someone who tells me everything is going to be alright because that’s not what I need to hear right now. I need You God. Where are You? Why is it everything so difficult right now?
Maybe being halfway gone is as good as gone.
Can you miss something you never had? People tell me it’s possible. Maybe you just miss what you think you could have had. And maybe what you could have had would have been much different in real life. I guess no one ever knows.
If you want me out, then I’m on my way.
And I’m feeling, feeling, feeling this way.
Cause you’re halfway in but don’t take too long,
Cause I’m halfway gone, I’m halfway gone.
- Halfway gone, Lifehouse
*New album out soooooon! Excitement!
Someone impacted my life today. People always do. The random stranger across the street who smiled as you walked pass. The homeless lady on the corner. The apologetic neighbour. The crazy housemate. The phone call.
But the person who did today, is someone I’ve always assumed will never grow up. The one who will always be there taunting me endlessly, never ever giving in to me and making me do endless things whenever I’m around.
Words of wisdom really do come from unexpected places. “So what if the world doesn’t know me, I’ve got people who I actually care for and am cared for from where I am from” As I am struggling to find my place in this world and to continue to fight against losing faith, these words come at the right time. The whole post did.
Happy Birthday Little (Older) Brother! You surprise me sometimes. You truly have grown and I’m proud of you in so many ways. I miss you and love you. xxxxxx
Because one day the stone heart melts too. I should know He’s the only one who could do it.
It’s a really long video but if you have ten minutes to spare, do watch it. It brings sacrifice into a whole new light.
My child, it hurts me to lose my son. It wasn’t easy and now you understand. Yet if I have to do it all over again, I will because I love you. Yesterday, today, tomorrow.
… where clouds taste like cotton candy, rabbits speak, trees sprout gold leaves and rivers overflow with chocolate. Bursts of silver light up the deep purple sky and where rainbow coloured dreams come true.
These were the things I dreamt of as a child. And it doesn’t mean I’ve got to stop dreaming now. I decided I want to write. Like really write. If there is one thing I regretted not cultivating is my love for words. So I’m coming up with a tag labelled “stories” (or “fiction” or “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” for all it matters 
) which I will update with stories, create ink-and-paper crushes and spin tales from time to time.
As of now, I have no inspiration but it will come in between late night pouring over 100-pages-long law cases and cramming European Union statutes on cold winter nights back in Bristol. (:
***
The blue bottles sit on the scarlet table waiting patiently to be bubble-wrapped. My trusty blue old jeans and my goes-with-everything cardigan thrown across the bed. Wardrobe doors left opened in middle of frantic scurrying for the favourite t-shirt. The white countertop is cleared of all the plasticky, dangly, spangly “junk” I call earrings. Plastic bags strewn across the floor. Luggages lying unzipped. Outside the rain clouds are looming overhead. Smell of freshly cut grass fills the room. One more sleep and I’m gone. Strange isn’t it? Summer feels like its been just a dream.
***
Goodbye (:
Another hot lazy afternoon. For once I’m not napping. I sleep wayyyy too much in this country. I should really be packing. Tons of stuff to bring back since I’m going to start cooking this year. Oh I really don’t want to go. It’s been a slow lazy summer. And my brain has definitely rotted over these few months. Heading back to 5 law (boring and tough) units and 1 french one. Comment ca va? Yet undeniably I’m excited to see the Bristol people after all these months and living in my crazy house. It’s going to be an eventful year indeed. Slow yes but exciting nonetheless. Sigh. Who says leaving gets easier with time? I guess the only compensation is knowing I’m coming back again at the end of the year. Yes go ahead and roll those eyes and exclaim,”Again?!” However I have a strong feeling I wouldn’t want to come back then. I just know that once I get back to Brizzle I’m going to be so caught up with the failed cooking, hitting the books, doing chores, going for society meetings and watching every episode of Gossip Girl. It’s just the whole “in between” period that’s killing me. I guess it’s the same with everything else. I hate the feeling of being caught somewhere between here and there. If I could see the future and how this plays out, I bet it’s better than where we are now. Sigh. So much to say and yet no chance to. The slowing down was painful but I guess I needed it. “God’s speaking today, are you listening?” I wasn’t till reading this felt like a slap in the face. I know great things are in store for me, cos He tells me so. And the year’s just getting started for me… (:
Was it all that easy? That’s all I ever wanted to know.
Was on my way to bed when I happened to chance upon this video.
Amazingly unexpected. I guess all Malaysians need reminders like these to remember why we still love this place we call home, why when we leave we know that someday we’re going to come back, how we use to love our “tanah air” when we were younger and knew nothing about dirty politics, why when we’re overseas we absolutely love talking about Malaysia to people from different countries.
I’ve been wanting to write a post on the whole 1Malaysia thing and how certain recent events have made me so fed up. But this video made me understand that no matter what happens, home is here. Not to say I’m not going to blog about everything that has been going on lately but just not a right time to tonight. 3 am and still up, duty at church for both services tomorrow morning – bible reading and sunday school (one needs alertness and the other energy) which means I have only about 5 hours of sleep left! Definitely needing God’s strength to get through tomorrow! So till the next time the blogging bug hits! (:
I hear You say,
“My love is over. It’s underneath.
It’s inside. It’s in between.The times you doubt Me, when you can’t feel.
The times that you question, ‘Is this for real? ‘
The times you’re broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.Well, My love is over, it’s underneath.
It’s inside, it’s in between.These times you’re healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you’re falling from grace.
The times you’re hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.I’m there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I’m there through your heartache.
I’m there in the storm.My love I will keep you, by My pow’r alone.
I don’t care where you fall, where you have been.
I’ll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends.”
By Tenth Avenue North. Almost every word in this song speaks to me.
