I am.

Lying on the floor in front of my laptop. Listening to instrumental music in the midst of the quiet of the night. Loving the fact that I’m alone but not lonely. Knowing that I can stumble but God is always there to pick me up. I felt completely like shit just 15 minutes ago but I know “I am strong in the Lord. No matter how much it is going to hurt, God you’re going to be there.” And you know what, it doesn’t feel as bad anymore. I’m going to be ok.

I don’t live here anymore.

That’s probably the first thing that hit me when I walked into my room. My extended table has been dismantled. The top of my chest of drawers is cleared. My room is the neatest and cleanest than it has been in months. The posters on my feature wall has been taken down since the termite infection. My stereo doesn’t have the pre-set programs to radio channels I listen to anymore. All my clutter has been brought over to Bristol. Everything that has made my room MINE is no longer there.

I put on Avril Lavigne’s Let Go album. I stare at the rose patterned drawer handles, coral walls, my decade old dollhouse, my collection of bags over the years, my easy chair piled with junk waiting to be thrown.

I’m no longer 15.

And you know what? It doesn’t matter. Life is about closing chapters. And right now, the story of my life lies at the chapter of being on the verge of becoming an adult and living alone. I don’t yearn to be 15 and carefree. I don’t long for the past years. I’m moving on. I have moved on. I don’t “live” in this house anymore – but don’t take it the wrong way, I don’t feel like my parents are throwing me out or that this country is no longer home. It’s just that all these is not part of who I am anymore.

I am happy where I am now. And I’m looking forward to the future. That’s where my life lies. Forward. And I can’t wait to see where life (and God) takes me! Isn’t it exciting to know there’s so much more to life than just what I can see now?

For all the blessings I cannot yet see, thank You.

Beautiful Disaster

The Strangers Were Lovers

You look at me, now, like this and think “This is who they were all along.”

But this is just who I am to other people. And you became other people.

- I Wrote This For You

This website is one of the best finds ever. Inspiring, thought-provoking and heart-wrenchingly beautiful.

Heartbreak all over again.

Remember this? Even if you don’t remember or haven’t had a clue about what it is about. Well, it’s the reason why my heart is breaking all over again. This time it’s happening to one of my close friends. And I’ve prayed. And asked and cried and believed. This time round I’ve stopped asking why, because I know He always has a reason. This time round there’s a peace that reassures me everything’s going to be ok. I know He can show me another miracle. And I know He can give her a miracle. Yet I’m afraid.

There is just so much going on right now that it’s crazy. These last two weeks are the busiest. I almost got no work done so far because I can’t concentrate. Yet I want time to slow down for me and at the same time fly past so I can go home.

I’m terribly homesick because I feel like there’s nothing I can do and yet so much more I can. I need my superhero-praying-parents to reassure me everything is going to work out. That everything is going to go back to normal.

Life is fleeting but she’s not done. There’s so much more she wants out of it. All of us do Lord. Please make sure everything’s going to be ok.

Give me Jesus

Tous les jours.

Forever.

You are in control Lord. Aujourd’hui et demain.

In good times and bad times, You are there. I know You are here and You hold the situation in Your hands.

Lord we’re relying on Your miracle to come to pass.

How did we get from there to here?

Life’s tough when you least expect it. And it’s not in the amount of work you have or the essay you’re struggling to get through. It isn’t in the late nights or quiet mornings, still up and working. Because that’s life, you still have to get through it no matter what.

But it’s tough when the emotions spiral out of control and in the heavy-heartedness and inability to concentrate. It’s tough when everything you ever known – the security you’ve always had, the one person you could always turn to is not even there anymore. It’s tough when your problems seem insignificant to what others are going through and you want to talk to them about it yet you know what you’re facing is miniscule to their issues. It’s tough when you know sometimes this could be just seasonal depression or hormones acting up but there’s no cure anyway. It’s tough when you just want to cry cos you know the sadness will leave after you do but you can’t – you feel the tears prick behind the eyes and your nose starting to run and your chest hurting and you just want to cry huge sobs but the tears don’t fall. And it’s tough when you listen to songs that remind you of why you’re sad in the first place. It’s tough when you look at circumstances and feel like crap. It’s tough when you feel like this when all you want to do is stare at your reading list and finish the work before tutorial tomorrow. It’s tough when you know that all you need to do is pray but you can’t bring yourself to. It’s tough when you’re caught in this cycle over and over again.

I want out. And I want answers.

“I need the ending. So why can’t you stay long enough to explain?”

I just haven’t met you yet ;)

So after the past week, I feel like life cannot get any tougher. Haha. Well at least not while I’m still in law school. Last week was crazy stressful hectic right up to Friday itself and I’ve never been more glad it’s the weekend! Even though I say that now, I’m sure the next few weeks aren’t going to be easy. Especially when property essay and ACT exam week comes up. Oh wells, I’ll handle that when it comes along. Slept half the day away today after yesterday’s chicken rice + guitar hero + poker night. Lazy rest of the day spent talking to parents, watching Gossip Girl, Friends, ASOS shopping, easy meal with housemates and household chores. I LOVE saturdays. Especially when it’s wet and rainy outside and you know you don’t have to go out.  ;)

Anyway here are two songs I’m loving at the moment. Enjoy! (:

Michael Buble – Haven’t Met You Yet

I’ve always needed one guy to prove to me that they are all not the same. And a while ago I thought I finally met that guy. And let’s just say he wasn’t the one to prove me wrong. So maybe I just haven’t met “you” yet. (:

Leona Lewis – Happy

I’m not going to play “life” safe. Sure it is great when you never get hurt. But how would you know what happiness is like if you’ve never tasted disappointment? I’m risking it all to be happy.

Have a good week! <3

Where is your focus?

Truth to be told, I haven’t been very happy for the last few weeks/days. Actually, right up till this evening I was feeling this heavy-heartedness. I have been trying to juggle everyday workload, career events, law firm presentations, essay due next week, research on law firms, house issues, emotions.

I went to CU for the first time in a year today. And I realised recently I’ve become one of those people who chase material things to be happy. Dad has been telling me no matter what the situation is, praise Him. In sadness and joy you’ve gotta be in a state of mind where you can always praise Him. So “yeah yeah I understand” but what I didn’t know is I couldn’t praise Him because I’ve been dedicating ALL my time to other things. I thought if I had these or that I would be happy. If I get the internship, that vacation scheme, this 2 week placement then I’m on my way to this and that and only then I’ll be happy.

BUT no! My source of joy should be from God! That if I don’t get these things, if I never have a chance to work in London, if I lose this or that I should still rejoice BECAUSE HE IS WHERE MY HAPPINESS COMES FROM! “And that’s the reason I can be joyful because no one can take that away from me!” Yes these things matter. They are the things I want but He said, “Delight yourself in me and I’ll grant you the desires of your heart”. I shouldn’t be talking to God only because I want all these but first and foremost I should DELIGHT myself in Him. I should ENJOY His presence. And all these other things are secondary, they will fall into their right places.

Felt like I just woken up from a zombie-like state of lying to myself all this while. I’m still a little sad (I have no idea for what reason, maybe Seasonal Affective Disorder) but I’m definitely feeling 100 times better than I have in the last few weeks. Still mentally exhausted and am mentally preparing myself for a tough week that lies ahead but here’s to being happier in no matter what state of mind I’m in! (:

Is all this ever worth it?

I’m tired and drained and feeling like nothing is worth everything I do. I’m fighting to keep my faith. Heck I’m fighting just to keep my spirits up. I’m piled up with tutorial readings and on top of it all, all the career events shit isn’t helping. I get more depressed at every talk or event I go to. People tell me I’m never getting anywhere if I don’t have passion. And at this point in time I still don’t know if law is what I truly want to do. Yes I’ve had this conversation countless times with countless different people. But now it’s different. I need to make a choice soon. And soon is not very far off. I need to start applying for internships, training contracts, BPTC, pupillage whatever. I have options thrown at me right left and centre and I don’t know if I’m in the right place to begin with. I’m questioning why am I here. Will I even make it out of here? Who am I supposed to be? Where is life taking me? Where are You taking me? Are You even here?!

I need a friend. Someone who would talk to me without trying to push me into believing that I’m on the right path. Someone with unbiased perceptions. Not someone who tells me everything is going to be alright because that’s not what I need to hear right now. I need You God. Where are You? Why is it everything so difficult right now?

Halfway gone?

Maybe being halfway gone is as good as gone.

Can you miss something you never had? People tell me it’s possible. Maybe you just miss what you think you could have had. And maybe what you could have had would have been much different in real life. I guess no one ever knows.

If you want me out, then I’m on my way.
And I’m feeling, feeling, feeling this way.
Cause you’re halfway in but don’t take too long,
Cause I’m halfway gone, I’m halfway gone.

- Halfway gone, Lifehouse

*New album out soooooon! Excitement!