Where is your focus?

Truth to be told, I haven’t been very happy for the last few weeks/days. Actually, right up till this evening I was feeling this heavy-heartedness. I have been trying to juggle everyday workload, career events, law firm presentations, essay due next week, research on law firms, house issues, emotions.

I went to CU for the first time in a year today. And I realised recently I’ve become one of those people who chase material things to be happy. Dad has been telling me no matter what the situation is, praise Him. In sadness and joy you’ve gotta be in a state of mind where you can always praise Him. So “yeah yeah I understand” but what I didn’t know is I couldn’t praise Him because I’ve been dedicating ALL my time to other things. I thought if I had these or that I would be happy. If I get the internship, that vacation scheme, this 2 week placement then I’m on my way to this and that and only then I’ll be happy.

BUT no! My source of joy should be from God! That if I don’t get these things, if I never have a chance to work in London, if I lose this or that I should still rejoice BECAUSE HE IS WHERE MY HAPPINESS COMES FROM! “And that’s the reason I can be joyful because no one can take that away from me!” Yes these things matter. They are the things I want but He said, “Delight yourself in me and I’ll grant you the desires of your heart”. I shouldn’t be talking to God only because I want all these but first and foremost I should DELIGHT myself in Him. I should ENJOY His presence. And all these other things are secondary, they will fall into their right places.

Felt like I just woken up from a zombie-like state of lying to myself all this while. I’m still a little sad (I have no idea for what reason, maybe Seasonal Affective Disorder) but I’m definitely feeling 100 times better than I have in the last few weeks. Still mentally exhausted and am mentally preparing myself for a tough week that lies ahead but here’s to being happier in no matter what state of mind I’m in! (:

You set eternity in my heart

“Dwell not on the things that are not or things that are not yet. Why don’t you dwell on the present, what you have NOW? Cos all of this will too pass in a blink of an eye. Let tomorrow come when it does. And like you knew before and always know, when tomorrow does come, I WILL be there.”

(:

The smell of rain is just amazing. Few Saturdays ago, I fell asleep listening to the thunderstorm brewing outside and I woke up on Sunday morning with the smell of rain in the whole house. A perfect way to start a day. <3

Aaaaaannnnddddd, high time to reignite the passion. DSLR is going everywhere with me now! Okay maybe except work. Don’t think the boss will appreciate that too much. Lol.

Now the miss that might break is the one that would save

It’s funny how much I want this whole revision and exam period to pass as quickly as possible but I also want to have enough hours in a day to finish studying everything. 

And you know what’s absolutely mind-blowing? The fact that God is gracious (sometimes even MORE gracious) even when I’m at my worst. On Saturday morning I got to the library to find out that someone stole the seat Rebecca saved for me. I was so flustered and upset about the whole situation that for the first time in a long time I swore. (I decided to restrain a year or two back.) I had to go look for another seat and the library was packed to the brim at the time but as I was walking around and the moment I started to pray, I found one in such a good and secluded spot. And it was so much better than the seat Rebecca got for me cos that one was just in front of Rachel and knowing me I’ll probably turn around to talk to her all the time. Lol. God is so so amazingly gracious all the time and I’m enjoying His presence so much lately. 

Anyway second post of the day cos I’m majorly procrastinating. I fried my brain cells last week from too much revision so today’s an unofficially self-declared holiday which was spent in church, Skype with family, MSN chats, Youtube vids and very loooong dinner chats. <3 Tomorrow is a different story altogether. (I have never dreaded a Monday so much before. ) More likely pulling another 12 hrs in the library and leave when it’s closing time. It’s a May Bank Holiday though tomorrow. Just basically a public holiday. England has a serious lack of public holidays compared to Malaysia. A lot of times I’m on Skype and my mum will tell me about this day or that day being a public holiday and what they’re going to do etc and this has been the only time since I got here I can say it’s a public holiday. Not like I’m doing anything special anyway. Sigh.

This just feels so tiring. But I’m not alone  - I can see the symptoms of stress in everyone already like the constant laughter about nothing funny, endless binging on chocolate, lotsa coffee, Redbull tins everywhere, outbreak of pimples, frequent sighing. Lol. Ah well. We’re going to get there no matter what! Goodnights people, will blog whenever. xxx

Edit: Was just about to get ready to go to bed then the girl above me decides to start her noise AGAIN. I had have enough of this loud music and dancing and shouting and screaming! I’m DEFINITELY complaining tomorrow!

Fall like fire, soak like rain

There are so many things wrong with this photo now that I look at it again two years later. Yet, I love it cos this was the start - when I was truly beginning to fall in love with photography (:

 

I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I’ve closed the door.
I will walk the path, I’ll run the race
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire, soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters, again and again.
Sweep away the darkness, burn away the chaff,
And let the flame burn to glorify Your name.

There are higher heights, there are deeper seas,
Whatever you need to do, Lord do in me.
The Glory of God fills my life,
And I will never be the same again.

I will never be the same again – Hillsong United

 

Extremely powerful song, give it a listen. (:

 

This is where I long to be. And I will be there in approximately three months. Right now, I have learnt to enjoy being where I am right now with a grateful heart. These few months are going to fly past. First year of university ends in a week for me. Easter break comes next and with it – a flurry of traveling, meeting and spending time with friends, trying to catch the cheap boots and winter wear sale, coursework writing and enjoying spring. And afterwards, hardcore revision and studying for a month. Exams exams exams. Am believing that it would be easy breezy with Him.  Then fingers crossed, seeing a little of Europe before coming back to Bristol to pack, attend my last hall event and say goodbye. And hellooooo to Malaysia, the good food and hot hot sun baby! 

Summer 2008. The reason why Jayson won’t smile for the camera was cos we were in some Taman in Malacca and I was going snap-happy at everything and he kept complaining about this and that (excuses for wanting to play his GB) and I caught a picture of his expression when he was complaining and it was hilarious!!! I couldn’t stop laughing and showed it to Mark who started laughing too and Jayson got angry with me. Lol. I still have the picture and it still cracks me up every time. Classic photo – but you won’t find it funny unless you know how much of a brat my brother is. Haha.

My lovelies. Am missing you both lots right now. My funny teleporter boy (types “I’m teleporting!” on Skype then runs away out of the webcam’s view) and the emo angsty gaming one, I can’t wait to see you both until you guys start annoying me to the core and I change my mind. Lol. Don’t miss me as much as I am missing you now. Love loads, your favourite sister (cos I’m your only sister )

Thank you thank you thank you for finally teaching me to be grateful. “No one has loved me quite like You do.”

Never let go

I had an awesome weekend away. We went to somewhere called Ledbury. I don’t know where that is exactly. Google Earth- it! Haha. The place was beautiful! 

Besides that, it was a weekend of really hearing about the gospel of Mark anew and just being in His presence during worship and praise. I was really glad I went even though I’m so sleep deprived now cos I stayed up to finish my tutorial work for this morning. 

And from this weekend, I kind of had a feeling I’m finally seeing the big picture. Of why God had put me in Bristol, in this university and this city. I would never truly know until I finish university but I sort of have a clue now. And it’s a very terrifying prospect. But I know if He put me here to do something, He’s going to help me through it. 

The sessions this weekend also made me realise a lot of things about my relationship with Him. How I’ve been taking Him for granted for way too long. And YET He still calls me back to His side.

Ever since I got here, I guess I wasn’t spending enough time with Him. I was really lonely and struggling yet I don’t know why, I never sought Him. I was slowly pushing Him aside without realising it. For a whole month. It was hurting me and I didn’t know it, didn’t see it. He finally called me back two weekends ago. And I’m so extremely grateful. For Him, His love and His grace. The feeling of falling in love with God all over again is just amazing. 

Here are some pictures of my weekend away.

This is the house. Filled with girls. Haha. I stayed in the cellar of the house which is like the basement. 

Entrance to the cellar from the top of the house.

The green piano in the cellar! Pretty isn’t it?

Roommates for two nights

 

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

You Never Let Go, Matt Redman

Jesus loves me! (:

Today has gotta be the most stressed of all stressed days. I have never been as stressed before, not during the exams (be it SPM, A-Levels or what not), not when I was applying for my visa, not when I’m driving, not when my parents have been nagging me non-stop.

NEVER EVER in my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE have I ever been this stressed. And I’ll tell you why.

Cos I’ve postponed my flight due to not getting my visa on time. And today I had to confirm my flight. BUT this morning I checked a gazillion times and I still have not gotten my visa yet. So it was like being in transition. Not knowing when am I leaving, will I ever leave, am I going to miss orientation… etc and there was NOTHING I could do about it.

I know now what is it like not to have a direction in life. And it’s not a nice feeling, Iet me tell you.

Anyways I went to the travel agent’s office today to talk about what I can do. I booked the next flight available but I still had no visa and had no idea if I could leave on that day.

So on the way home, I was like usual, talking to Him and asking Him what is His plan for me? He opened that door for me to go to Bristol early this year and left that door ajar when it seem like it was shut(me not meeting the entry requirements). So You opened that door and I KNOW when You open a door for me, NO ONE can ever shut it. But now what Lord? No passport and most of the flights are booked and the dates are looming closer. And I was watching the gloomy clouds like I always do(no I wasn’t driving) and I think I heard Him. But then again, I always think I do but sometimes it’s just my own imagination or consoling myself. But if I did hear Him right, He said something along the lines of “That door is always open for you. Don’t worry. I love you. Wait on Me. Wait on Me. Wait on Me.” I can’t really remember now but I was very sure about the line “wait on Me” and I saw the gloomy clouds parting a little to reveal this glorious stream of clouds behind the gloomy ones, highlighted golden by the sun. And I knew then it was going to be fine. If I was meant to leave on the date I had booked, I WILL get my visa by then.

I got home and my dad and I decided to check it again. But this time I asked my dad to anoint the computer screen with anointing oil before we opened the page. My church believes in the anointing oil. It’s not magic because the anointing oil is always applied with a prayer of faith. I’m not so good at explaining it so go to RLC’s website and download pastor’s messages if you’re curious. So yes, we claimed that favour and believed that He is in control. And I was crying when we prayed. Actually honestly I’ve been crying a lot today. Lol.

So we opened the page and Praise the Lord, my visa was ready! I was SO relieved. I’ve never been more relieved in my entire life I think. Thank You Jesus! He really does ensure that everything falls right into place. This is a major major testimony. I’m going to send it to the church.

So yes I’m finally leaving. I don’t when yet but I’m looking to book the earliest flight possible and try to cancel the other flight. MAS, SIA, Cathay Pacific, British Airways, Emirates, KLM… any airline that can get me there at the earliest possible date and at the cheapest rate. It’s not cos I want to leave Malaysia as soon as I can. It’s just that I have to get settled there.

I am very very rushed for time, got to get my packing done and get ready to leave. I might leave any time soon, I don’t even know when myself so this is possibly my last post in Malaysia. I have so many drafted posts about saying goodbye and all but I guess that’ll have to wait till I get there. I will update as soon as I get settled.

So goodbye home! I’m sorry that my last few days here had to be a rush but I am grateful for the extra time here. I got to eat all the Malaysian food I’ll miss and meet people I needed to meet. I secretly told the Lord that I wanted more time and not leave on Monday but yet leave in time for orientation. I guess He did give me my heart’s desire after all. Well, He does everytime anyway. (:

See you next summer! You’ll find me here if you miss me! (:

p/s: When I got my A-Levels results and I found out I didnt meet the requirements, I was lost. Seriously. The next day my aunts arrived in KL from HK and on the way to the airport, I was staring at the clouds while pretending to sleep(I didn’t want to talk to my parents at that point in time. I was just disappointed, mad and frustrated.). And I know everyone was telling me maybe He has a better plan for me but I told Him, going to Bristol is my heart’s desire yet I was ready to obey if He wanted me to go somewhere else but I still really wanted to go to Bristol(stubborn-ness ). That night, I got an email from UCAS telling me that the offer from Bristol still stands. So I guess that’s why clouds are special to me, maybe I should join a Cloud Appreciation Society when I get there.

Thank You Jesus!!!

OMGosh!!! *hyperventilates* Jesus is SOOOO good! I got into Bristol despite the fact that I didn’t meet the entry requirements! He’s awesome, just awesome. I’m nowhere worthy to be still accepted in but because of His grace and favour, I did!!! I am so lost for words. I just cannot comprehend how great He is!

Yeah, all the stress for nothing. Haha.

The wonder of Your name
The greatness of Your name
The splendor of Your name
Jesus

The glory of Your name
The power of Your name
The splendor of your name
Jesus

The nations cry holy
The angels cry holy
We all cry holy is the Lord

The bright and morning star
The great I am you are
Jesus, Jesus

The king above all kings
Creator of all things
Jesus, Jesus

Jesus is worthy
Worthy of all of our praise
He is worthy
Worthy of all of our praise

- Jesus, Planet Shakers

This song just started playing in my mind after I logged into UCAS and saw the offer letter.

I am not worthy but He is. (:

In Christ alone

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

For the longest time ever I’ve never felt so broken. There were definitely times when there was nothing I could do but just cry out to Him. But I’ve never felt like I did last week in quite a while. And it’s just unexpected how it took for me to really just stop fighting for Him to answer me.

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

I guess this really proves that He works in the most unexpected ways. I’ve been praying over something for quite a while and I’ve been asking Him why isn’t He answering. I was too eager, anxious, frustrated even at times. He finally gave me the answer I was looking for when I just broke down and told Him I can’t go on like that anymore. It may not be the answer I want but I’ve learnt that in time to come I’ll understand His ways.

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

During the exams, I remember feeling so helpless and just not knowing what to do. Asking Him how am I going to get through that many papers and subjects. Sometimes asking how am I just going to get through that night. Crying out to Him. Those nights of anguish and tears. Of frustration and helplessness. But you know what? I will never trade it for anything in the world. That whole period I’ll never exchange for anything. Because through that, it made me fully understand that I’m absolutely nothing without Him. It taught me to fully rely on His grace to see me through. To stop trying to do it on my own. To know that I can never ever do it myself. To be so broken that I can never stand up again if it wasn’t for Him.

‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

Sure there are times in the exam period where I doubted. There were papers I didn’t do well and mistakes I made. But I remembered, not by my might anymore but by His. My God is a BIG God. He can change situations around for the better. So somewhere along the way I stopped worrying and left it in His hands.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

Two weeks until the big day now. The day when my future’s decided. Am I nervous? Not yet but I’ll be. But yet I know it’ll all turn out fine. I guess my mum says it best when she told me, “That day the Lord will open a door for you that no one can ever close. Whichever university you’ll be going to, there the Lord has a special plan for you.” My future is decided in Him. So wherever He takes me, there I’ll go.

And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

Now that just makes life all the more exciting doesn’t it? To know that you’re going down an amazing path but not know which one is it yet. Life with Him is thrilling and exciting, all at once. He never promises that there will not be obstacles in the way but He did promised that He will be there always. How apt that the lesson for Sunday School which I’ll be involved in this week is based on Hebrews 13:5b – “The Lord has promised that He will not leave us or desert us.”

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

At worship earlier I was just thinking how amazing is He that He can create everything in the world, “sets the stars in their place” like in the song and yet be able to have a relationship with each and every one of us. It just blows my mind to think about it. And to know that every single time we cry out, He hears us. He knows our fears, He sees those tears, He hears those prayers even when it’s just “Help me!”.

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand. Oh yes, I will. But besides all this, to know this love is the most mind-blowing experience of all. Love that never angers, never compromises, never hurtful, never threatening. To be surrounded by this love when you are broken in a way that no one can ever understand… I can’t even explain how it feels. And that is just how amazing Jesus is.

“For I am His and He is mine…” my favourite line in one of my most favourite songs. In Christ alone by Natalie Grant.

“Will you stop complaining?”

Right after I posted that last post, the Holy Spirit told me to just stop complaining. He suddenly brought to memory loads of things I should be grateful for and showed me how I’ve been complaining about EVERYTHING today. I felt really really small.

Yeah, the things I’ve been complaining about won’t be even there for me to complain about if I didn’t have them in the first place. Didn’t get it? Never mind, I did. I’m sorry Lord for being absolutely selfish.

I’m still irritated with the little things but I’m gonna shut up now. He loves me and forgives me, this I know. (:

Miracles happen

Because my Father is a miracle-working God.

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

- How Great is our God, Chris Tomlin

My God is amazing. His promises are true ALL THE TIME.

I’m so hippy-hoppy-happy! For her and her family.

Oh my, I just can’t stop smiling! I love You, Lord! And I shall type this whole testimony out when I’m done with my exams. Till then!