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Just had a proper chance to sit down and have a look at all my vacation scheme applications. All the covering letters and CV requirements. Reading all the questions on demonstrating commercial awareness etc. And it’s all so easy to be discouraged and to give up even before I try.
Sometimes, it’s so much easier to not dream big. To just be content with life as you know it. But I’ve been brought up to shoot for the stars because I am as capable as any other person applying and if that’s what I truly want, God will give it to me. That life is bigger than I can imagine. I was told to dream big cos life is so much more than the bubble I am in. I’ve been taught that I can do anything I lay my hands to do because I have God on my side. And that I’m in no way any less better than the next person.
It’s just that when I look at my circumstances, I feel like I will never make it. But I’m sure it’s just a tiny moment of discouragement. I can do ANYTHING in Christ who strengthens me and it means applying to the TOP law firms in London. It’s not me, it’s for Him to do. And like what I always always tell people, “no harm trying!” 
Even if I don’t get any offers, hey at least I won’t hate myself for not trying! 
Mannnnn. This year has certainly flown past. This term just passed without me noticing. Learnt one thing through it all though – being a good student is TOUGH. How does anyone do it? To be able to know all the answers in tutorials, to finish all the reading, to hand in essays on time, constant tests and on top of that, juggle household chores, cooking, find time to have a few drinks once in a while or a night out, catch up with friends and still enjoy everything you do.
In 12 hours, I will be the most relieved person in the whole world. Test will be over and one term of work finally done. But it will only last a brief moment. Cos afterwards I come home to rush last minute packing and catch the coach. I’m never leaving on the last day of term ever again. Then again, I don’t even know when I’m coming home next.
All I’m looking forward to is some proper sleep that I haven’t had in a few weeks now. Sunshine here I comeeeeeee! See you soon! x
The previous post was one filled with confusion, tiredness, helplessness, stress and worry. But after all that, right now, the only thing I truly feel is sadness.
The one thing I absolutely regret till this very day is the fact that I was unhappy when I first arrived in Bristol. That it took a freaking year to finally enjoy being here. That I never went around being touristy and took pictures of everything. I was never excited about being in a new place and starting life all over.
I see my juniors’ photo albums and I regret I never took advantage of the “fresh” feeling. I was too caught up with being miserable and looking at all the bad things instead of the good. I’ve never been to the Christmas Steps yet, neither have I been to Cabot Tower park and all the billion other amazing parks in Bristol. I have almost no pictures of Bristol except of hall formals and events.
So yeah Bristol is windy and rainy ALL the time. Trust me, it is. And I climb a hill to get to lectures plus I climb a hill just to get back home too. And I get a headache when it gets too cold and my ears and fingers hurt too. I never wear heels anymore. Umbrellas break all the time. But so what? England in general is wet and rainy anyway. The hills? I get more exercise. I’ve always always wanted to come to England and I’m here now. Ten years of dreaming has finally come true and only after more than a year I finally realise it.
I just regret not noticing it earlier. I would do anything to turn back the hands of time and start first year all over again. If I could I’ll do everything differently – made more friends, spoke up more, taken pictures of EVERYTHING, walked more, truly explore Bristol, worked harder from the very start so I won’t end up with the shit first year grades I have now. Just generally be more enthusiastic about everything.
I know it’s not too late but I don’t feel “new” anymore. Winter’s here and I don’t feel like going anywhere plus the fact that I’m piled with work till end of term. But I’m giving it all another go. This Saturday I’m going exploring with my trusty camera in hand and a heart to see things anew.
Oh well, regrets are merely entertaining fleeting thoughts. Meanwhile my tutorial on the directives of the European Union is real and staring me in the face. Wait for pictures!
What is?!
F-I-V-E FREAKING DEGREES DURING THE MIDDAY IN NOVEMBER! THAT’S CRAZY!
I think we’re in for a cold one this year. 
You know what’s one thing I LOVE about exam period or coursework due dates? (Not that there’s much to love during that period of time but that’s besides the point.)
Subway cookies! Oatmeal and raisin, chocolate chunk, double chocolate chip, rainbow chunk, macadamia nut. LOVE LOVE LOVE.
When it comes to stressful times, it’s always time for Subway cookies. And I must have at least 3 of them. Well maybe not all in one sitting but I’ve done it before and gotten quite sick afterwards. Lol.
So now I sit licking cookie crumbs off my fingers. Bliss. (:
Annnnddddd back to work. Why do I blog more when I have work due? -_-
I’m tired and drained and feeling like nothing is worth everything I do. I’m fighting to keep my faith. Heck I’m fighting just to keep my spirits up. I’m piled up with tutorial readings and on top of it all, all the career events shit isn’t helping. I get more depressed at every talk or event I go to. People tell me I’m never getting anywhere if I don’t have passion. And at this point in time I still don’t know if law is what I truly want to do. Yes I’ve had this conversation countless times with countless different people. But now it’s different. I need to make a choice soon. And soon is not very far off. I need to start applying for internships, training contracts, BPTC, pupillage whatever. I have options thrown at me right left and centre and I don’t know if I’m in the right place to begin with. I’m questioning why am I here. Will I even make it out of here? Who am I supposed to be? Where is life taking me? Where are You taking me? Are You even here?!
I need a friend. Someone who would talk to me without trying to push me into believing that I’m on the right path. Someone with unbiased perceptions. Not someone who tells me everything is going to be alright because that’s not what I need to hear right now. I need You God. Where are You? Why is it everything so difficult right now?
COLD COLD COLD. Winter’s truly here. Ears have started freezing. But I want ice-cream. Thinking of dropping the “e” since everyone spells my name without the “e” anyway. Really should be reading law articles. But jurisprudence is such a beat-about-the-bushes-only-to-end-up-with-no-answer subject. Procrastinating. Looking at websites of the top law firms in the UK and thinking of applying for their vacation schemes but scared+nervous at thought of interviews. Need to type out CV soon. Sighhhhhh. In second year and I already need to start thinking about potential job opportunities. 
Two days into classes and I’m SICK. I think it was the bug passing around combined with Domino’s and Coke dinner AND too much laughing the night before. Sore throat, cough and fever. NOT swine if you’re wondering. -_-
In attempts to get cured as soon as possible (without gargling with salt. Ugh that’s like rubbing salt into a wound!), I’ve been trying all sorts of remedies.
Honey lemon (without the honey cos I forgot to buy it when I went to the supermarket lol) and instant Lo Hon Ko (however you spell it) given by housemate, Panadol, lots and lots of warm water and as I’m typing this, green tea.
Anyway besides being sick, I’ve been cooking! Okay so far I’ve been cooking with my housemates (and one of them can cook so she supervises) or ordering food but tonight they’re out for some meeting. So presenting…. the first meal I’ve ever cooked on my own!
Wheeeeee! Ok I used the instant pasta sauce from the supermarket, the sausages were a little too oily and burnt and the pasta was a little on the hard side but at least it was edible! Yay for meal number one! Hopefully the next few meals to come stay edible. 
Anyway on the law side of things, I’ve been surprised. Surprised to find that the subjects I think I would hate I actually quite enjoy (not saying it seems easy but it seems interesting enough to enjoy) like Jurisprudence and Crime, Justice and Society. While I thought I would enjoy Property 2 I was struggling to stay awake in lecture today. -_- European Union is even worse though. It was “mind-boggling boring” like expected. Only Advanced Contract and Tort left to see. And French starts next week but it would definitely beat all the law units in terms of interestingness. Lol. Ok once this annoying throaty cough thing passes I’m ready to put everything into studying.
But first things first, tidy room! It’s amazing how I’m untidier than most guys I know. LOL. And oh yeah, I absolutely loving the house! Well not the house as in the building itself, but more of living with my housemates. And I love my room! Pictures up once I clear it.
Missing all you back home. Skype and MSN me! xxx
She leaves tonight. After a week of glorious shopping under the sun, doing my laundry and teaching me everything she knows about cooking in hopes I won’t starve, she’s headed back. ):
Mannnnn I miss her. (And it’s not only cos she cooks for me!) But I know she’s glad to be going home and the holidays roll around pretty quick here so it won’t be too long before I head home.
For now, it’s law time. Got my timetable, it seems really mentally exhausting. Property lectures back-to-back, jurisprudence and EU back-to-back as well, french classes end at 7.30. The only good thing is I get Wednesdays off but seeing I have a seminar that clashes with French I would probably need to fill my Wednesdays then.
Sigh. Being a second year feels OLD. Am needing A LOT of motivation now to get me started for the academic year. Anyway, will get online soon once I catch up with all the Gossip Girl I’ve been missing and things start settling down. (:
