Life is a maze and love is a riddle

You know what, I know I’m going to feel like this one day. Near future, now, distant future…. whatever. I can’t stop it from happening.

I now know that there has been something of my past that has been holding me back but I’m trying to let go and I’ve asked God to help. And He’s working in me, I know He is. But till I get there, I know it’s going to be a winding journey of being attacked and sometimes going through extreme lows. But as long as He’s with me I’m going to be fine, no matter how bad it gets.

All I just want to say is sorry. Sorry that you were involved. Sorry if I’ve hurt you. Sorry for all the times I’ve been distant. Sorry for all those times you’ve spent wondering where I was and what is it I wanted. Sorry for the confusion, hurt, everything. There’s so much to say and I wish I could tell you but somehow I can’t seem to. Just do know I’m truly sorry.

We were walking up to strawberry swing

There’s something really magical about the rain. I love the sound of it against the roof and the patterns it makes on windows and the smell of fresh beginnings. It reminds me of His presence and power.

Yet… sometimes it makes me a little melancholic.

It has been tough to get through the quiet times today.

*photo by H a r e e s h

You set eternity in my heart

“Dwell not on the things that are not or things that are not yet. Why don’t you dwell on the present, what you have NOW? Cos all of this will too pass in a blink of an eye. Let tomorrow come when it does. And like you knew before and always know, when tomorrow does come, I WILL be there.”

(:

The smell of rain is just amazing. Few Saturdays ago, I fell asleep listening to the thunderstorm brewing outside and I woke up on Sunday morning with the smell of rain in the whole house. A perfect way to start a day. <3

Aaaaaannnnddddd, high time to reignite the passion. DSLR is going everywhere with me now! Okay maybe except work. Don’t think the boss will appreciate that too much. Lol.

Reckless abandon; hard to believe we were that way once

A few days ago, my brother mentioned how he wish he was young again. To which, I retorted, “What are you talking about?! You’re still young!”

But I understood what he was getting at. I mean, yes I’m still young if you consider the fact that I just turned twenty.

I miss the feeling of being young, reckless and irresponsible. And knowing you’re young so no mess is ever too big. I use to be different. Spontaneous. And even if I’m not, I try to be. I make decisions without thinking twice about the consequences. I did whatever I liked. I didn’t think about what people thought about me. I used to cheerlead and dance for goodness sake! (I don’t think anyone I met in the recent years thinks I’m the type) I ran across the school foyer when I was in my final year just to slip in front of the whole school and burn with embarrassment. I was rebellious. (Not proud of it now but I think it was just a phase. Lol.) Never cared if I embarrass myself. (The reason why my high school friends have seen that side of me and I’m not ashamed to go crazy in front of them.) Spoke my opinion. Laughed loud.

Growing up meant shouldering responsibilities. Learning to live in a different country away from home meant having to be more careful. After all mum and dad aren’t a phone call away anymore. Get good grades. Make sure you don’t waste your parents’ money. Don’t spend on unnecessary things. Think twice before you buy that. Take care of your health. Don’t get too drunk. And when I’m here, don’t come back too late. Drive carefully; you’re responsible for the car too. I guess you don’t have to be responsible. I mean I could have gone to UK and spent all my parents’ money on getting wasted every night or gambling. But I chose to be responsible and am not saying I don’t like my decision. I’m just saying I wish I don’t have to be like that for once.

I just wish I was young (in that way) again. And for that, I know I need my partners-in-crime back. But I know one of them is never returning and another whose priorities have changed and others who are just different now. If I could go back to a few years in my life just to go through it all over again and without changing anything, I would say 2005, 2006 (last two years of high school) and 2008.

How about you? Which years of your life would you go through again?

Not wrapping this in ribbons; shouldn’t have to give a reason why

Word spreads like wildfire. And there is a tendency for people reading my blog to take things too literal or personal.

I don’t hate this country. Period. I didn’t resent coming home. I’m not reluctant to be spending summer here.

I was just a little bored and restless and disappointed. And like always I’m going to blame it on PMS too.

So last weekend I went to Malacca and I remembered why I never wanted to leave this country in the first place. I’ve forgotten how the heat here is so intense that 5 mins in the sun, you start sweating profusely. I’ve forgotten how I love long rides in the car. I’ve forgotten how much I love cendol. I’ve forgotten that I still have friends who are crazy and are some of the only people I’m truly comfortable with. It’s these little things that I’ve missed and remembered how much I love.

Ahhh, especially the heat. The moment I stepped out of the car I declared “Yay I love the sun! I should be tanned by the end of the day!”. Of which I got a few weird stares from my friends and Chin Yip even exclaimed, “What?! Love the heat???” Few minutes later and my excitement about the sun has vanished altogether and been replaced with complaints about how hot it is and looking for a fan to cool down. Haha. Reminder to self: the intensity of the sun here might be the same as it is in UK but the humidity is not and 5 degrees is a BIG difference! (By the way, UK is experiencing a heatwave so they are getting temperatures of 29 – 34 degrees! At least they get to experience some Asian weather! )

Anyway last week has been better than the week before. Been seeing the college gang a lot, attended the most boring Econs lecture in my life (actually the only Econs lecture I’ve ever attended in my life lol) in hopes of seeing some cute HELP guys but apparently not and coming out feeling very old instead because everyone looked like they were fresh out of school (which they actually are), went around HELP to see how much it has changed, had a Klang-day with the Subang people and 1 HK person.

And things are looking up. I’m tres excited cos I have an aim for these summer holidays! Got a job today so am working 4 out of 7 days. Less time for socialising but at least I would never be bored now. Also French lessons to get a head start for French classes next year! Tonight, a farewell dinner for an ex-classmate so seeing some people I haven’t met yet (am driving to MV cos I have no other form of transport. Jesus, journey mercy pleeeeeassseeee! Omg, I might actually panic. In case you didn’t know, am not one of the best drivers around. LOL.) and then a continuous stream of goodbyes to the Aust people in July. Singapore last week of July baby! (please please let me be able to take leave!) And then a few family hols to Penang, Cameron and hopefully fingers crossed, Langkawi with a couple of college people in August!

So yeah I have plenty of things to look forward to now and I think I’ll hardly blog (then again, everytime I say that I blog even more. Haha.) Alright! Bring on summer!