I’ll be honest with you. I’m not exactly 100% excited about coming home this time round. Not as I was during Christmas break.

I don’t know. Ok maybe I do know but it’s multiple things really.

I’ve missed the family so so much especially Jayson-boy! And how much he has matured over the last few months. Still my baby brother though

But it’s the other things that make it different. I expected difference and change. But maybe I didn’t expect my inability to adapt?

“Stop telling me that what have I been believing in has been wrong. Stop making me question my beliefs. I know who I love and who I worship and He’s the same God you love and worship. So stop trying to tell me what’s wrong and what’s right. How is it that you know better than me?”

“I know you want me here. I know you’ve missed me and you would want me to come home after 3 years. But what if I can’t? I can’t tell you my future plans because those lie with Him. But I can tell you that it’s going to break my heart if I had to come home for good. It’s the truth. Six months made me so heavy-hearted, I don’t know what will happen if I have to leave for good. It all depends on whether I have enough reason to come back. Yes this is home, it has been home for the last 19 years of my life but home feels distant this time.

Like on the cover, it looks the same. That it has been whitewashed with glossy paint so it covers all the greying parts and all the glossiness now seem fake. Or rather, it has always been glossy. I’ve always seen home through rose-tinted glasses and now I’m beginning to scratch at the edges peeling off and I finally see that this not what I want. I don’t know where I belong. I know my citizenship is not of this world but won’t there be a place on this earth where I’ll feel at home? I truly don’t know. I need enough reason to come back.”

“I’ve always thought you would be the reason I’ll want to come home. Well one of them at least. But if we go through the next 3 years like how we did this year, you won’t be anything at all. I guess I expected too much of you. And I should know better than to put my hopes on anyone apart from God. Haven’t I learnt enough lessons to know human beings always disappoint?”

Jetlagged much at the moment which means staying up too late in the quiet nights and thinking too much. But am not depressed or sad or emo or anything, am just needing an outlet for the thoughts – don’t read too much into my ramblings and assume things please.

Looking forward to the food this weekend! (DON’T LET ME SUCCUMB TO TEMPTATION AND EAT TOO MUCH THIS WEEKEND, YOU PEOPLE! I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!! I’M FREAKING SERIOUS!) Ok maybe, I should not eat from Wednesday to Friday then I can eat as much as I want this weekend. Sounds like a better plan than trying to resist good hawker/nyonya food no?