You do a pretty good job at forgetting

I didn’t come home to feel like this.

Home and feeling 50-50 about it

I’ll be honest with you. I’m not exactly 100% excited about coming home this time round. Not as I was during Christmas break.

I don’t know. Ok maybe I do know but it’s multiple things really.

I’ve missed the family so so much especially Jayson-boy! And how much he has matured over the last few months. Still my baby brother though

But it’s the other things that make it different. I expected difference and change. But maybe I didn’t expect my inability to adapt?

“Stop telling me that what have I been believing in has been wrong. Stop making me question my beliefs. I know who I love and who I worship and He’s the same God you love and worship. So stop trying to tell me what’s wrong and what’s right. How is it that you know better than me?”

“I know you want me here. I know you’ve missed me and you would want me to come home after 3 years. But what if I can’t? I can’t tell you my future plans because those lie with Him. But I can tell you that it’s going to break my heart if I had to come home for good. It’s the truth. Six months made me so heavy-hearted, I don’t know what will happen if I have to leave for good. It all depends on whether I have enough reason to come back. Yes this is home, it has been home for the last 19 years of my life but home feels distant this time.

Like on the cover, it looks the same. That it has been whitewashed with glossy paint so it covers all the greying parts and all the glossiness now seem fake. Or rather, it has always been glossy. I’ve always seen home through rose-tinted glasses and now I’m beginning to scratch at the edges peeling off and I finally see that this not what I want. I don’t know where I belong. I know my citizenship is not of this world but won’t there be a place on this earth where I’ll feel at home? I truly don’t know. I need enough reason to come back.”

“I’ve always thought you would be the reason I’ll want to come home. Well one of them at least. But if we go through the next 3 years like how we did this year, you won’t be anything at all. I guess I expected too much of you. And I should know better than to put my hopes on anyone apart from God. Haven’t I learnt enough lessons to know human beings always disappoint?”

Jetlagged much at the moment which means staying up too late in the quiet nights and thinking too much. But am not depressed or sad or emo or anything, am just needing an outlet for the thoughts – don’t read too much into my ramblings and assume things please.

Looking forward to the food this weekend! (DON’T LET ME SUCCUMB TO TEMPTATION AND EAT TOO MUCH THIS WEEKEND, YOU PEOPLE! I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!! I’M FREAKING SERIOUS!) Ok maybe, I should not eat from Wednesday to Friday then I can eat as much as I want this weekend. Sounds like a better plan than trying to resist good hawker/nyonya food no?

In the aeroplane over the sky

“I wanna go hooooooooomeeeeeeeee……”

“Dedicated to the girl who knows the score.”

One last round of singing and piano-playing, a sip of Razor (a WH Bar specialty), laughs, video-taking, photos, last time ever in the room-by-the-bar, last WH dinner, the first goodbyes…. It’s all coming to an end. No more Wills. End of era.

I’m going to miss the Hall – all the silly things like formals, wearing the gown, looking for 20p for laundry, meal cards etc etc and even more, I’m going to miss the WH gang. It has been an awesome awesome first year and I’m so so glad I chose to stay in a student hall for my first year.

It feels surreal that this is ending. It really does. And odd that I’m finally flying home.

Sorry for the lack of replies of MSN or emails and FB wall posts. See you all very very very soon.

If it’s a broken part, replace it. If it’s a broken arm then brace it…

My year here is coming to an end. And as expected, all the girls are getting sentimental about leaving hall. Well of course I feel the same way but I think I’m letting my feelings for other things cloud my thoughts.

I waited half a year to go home and now that I’m a week away to boarding that plane, I’ve never been more apprehensive or nervous. Six months has been a long time to be away and people have changed. And I don’t know what to expect from it. Will we still be able to talk as if I’ve never left? Or will there be awkward silences? Will we still share the same laughs and jokes? Or feel like a huge chunk of our lives has passed without each other and there’s no way to fill it again?

Well I’ll know in a week won’t I?

 

…If it’s a broken heart then face it.

Why’d you have to wait to find me?

I’ve been back from Paris quite sometime ago. Just hadn’t really felt like blogging in a while.

Wasn’t an amazing trip but it wasn’t too bad either. It could have been better but a satisfactory trip nonetheless. I wouldn’t go back though. Only maybe for a day – to buy macarons from Ladurée, have the awesome beef stew from Chez Toinette, and see the rest of Louvre I didn’t manage to.  I loved the Louvre!

Anyway here are a few pictures. Might or might not (there were way too many!) put the rest on FB. 

Am way to lazy to upload more at the moment. Room is a major war-zone and I can’t live in these conditions anymore – I need to start tidying!

 

Current plans before heading home?

• Be a major slacker and spend my days lying in the sun and tanning (IF the sun ever comes back *rolls eyes* )
• Cycle around Bristol – my friend’s lending me his bike! Whee!
• Run (maybe?)
• PACK!
• Wills Hall Summer Ball
• Day trip to Cardiff
• Movie marathon
• Bicester again 
• Finish reading The Other Hand and Remember Me (and last few chapters of New Moon lent by a friend)

And if anyone wants anything in particular from the UK or Bristol, please let me know now. Or else I might not have enough luggage space later.

xxx