I don’t remember you looking any better but then again I don’t remember you

January where did you go?!

I had one of the best weekends ever in Bristol. Lazy Friday. Semi chilled out Saturday with awesome Thai food at Bangkok House. If they say you can’t get good Asian food in England then they haven’t been to Bangkok House. Church and church’s birthday lunch earlier today. And the highlight of my weekend – my 5 km run this afternoon in 45 minutes! Accomplishment of the academic year! I’m one who NEVER EVER runs. Or exercises for that matter and the people who already know what I’m planning to do think it’s a joke. -_-

I’m running the Bristol 10K in May and training for it now. I don’t know which charity I’m running for yet but I think I’m doing it for multiple sclerosis research. I’m exhausted but I haven’t felt this ALIVE in such a long time. The cold just hits you and you feel every part of your body hurting. There’s so much motivation to keep on running cos you need to get home anyway and if you stop running for too long and walk instead, your fingers and ears start to hurt from the cold. Lol. I’m trying to stay up as I’m typing this cos I still have a application to finish before midnight tonight but I haven’t felt like this for a very long time. It’s amazing! Praying I can feel my legs tomorrow though. Haha. And can’t wait for the amazing week ahead!

Here I am

I wonder, if it is possible to miss God? Cos I do. I miss Him.

Scratch all that. I miss how I felt when I’m with Him.

So let’s break free from all these chains of misery

“Some can make a moment feel like forever…”

All yes some do. And these are the moments you remember for a long time. Moments, sometimes you relive over and over again.

“…But they’re not as important as those that can make forever feel like a moment.”

I’m not looking for hands to hold for a while. Not searching for complicated. I’m not looking for heartaches and tangled messes. I’m looking for simple. Hands to hold for a lifetime. Those who will make forever feel like a brief fleeting moment.

Quote from I Wrote This For You

The irony that is life.

The thing is, we (as in the people studying overseas) have this idea that if you eat A LOT of something you really love eating but cannot get in the country you’re staying in, then you won’t crave it that much. Which I just realise is pretty ridiculous.

No matter how much sushi or dim sum or mamak food or nasi lemak or green tea yums you stuff yourselves silly with, you will still miss it. Like crazy.

Exactly the way we feel about home.

No matter how many years it has been since you left, or how long you’ve been away, or how much you’ve tried to absorb of home everytime you’re back, or how often you speak to your parents, you will still feel homesick.

You will still want to go home. Even if you’re truly happy where you are.

Gotta say though, for the first time ever I’ve been excited about coming back to B. I don’t even know why when the cycle of work never stops when I’m here. I’m such a weird child. Maybe the pressure keeps me going. Hmmm.

Anyway I’m blogging because now is 12.45 in the morning and this is just the start to a very long night of working on my essay. I had pizza for dinner. My ceiling is leaking ONTO MY BED. My room is a mess. The house needs cleaning. Welcome back to Year Two of uni. (:

SIGH.

By the way, I hate my toes. I wish I didn’t have toes cos then I wouldn’t have chillblains! Square feet would be pretty awesome I think.

Happy Birthday.

I’ve lost all forms of contact now. From phone numbers you’re constantly changing, not using your msn to deleting your facebook account. But happy 21st! I miss you. But I know I’m not the only one. We all do. xxx

Glee – my new addiction

And now this is the reason I love this show. Addictive music and dramaaaaa!

Hope?

There was a time when I believed in this country. When I couldn’t imagine making a home anywhere else. When I was proud to hold a Malaysian passport. When I felt warmth each time I heard the pilot announce, “Welcome to Kuala Lumpur International Airport”. When I took pride in showing off my country to foreign friends who marvelled at how Malaysians lived so peacefully in diversity. Those days are gone.

My heart breaks at what you have done to my country. Then again, I’m not even sure if I can still call it my country anymore.

So forget about how this will affect tourism and FDIs, and think instead about the damage it has done to an ordinary Malaysian like me.

You have made a mockery out of my trust, patriotism and faith. You have made me feel unwelcome in my own home. You have made me feel ashamed to be Malaysian.

- Stephanie Sta Maria

The article above expresses exactly how I feel. I am upset, outraged, angered, in unbelief over what has happened. But so much more, I am truly saddened. Saddened by what my country has become.

Keep praying. There’s always a way out. x

Twenty-ten baby!

I like to think of the past year as one of those transition years. Like how there are some years that you don’t remember much about. Yeah you were alive then but nothing much interesting happened or note-worthy so it became just one of those years that passes by. However, these kinda years always lead up to the best years ever! You know how, when someone asks you, “What has been the best year for you so far?” And you always go, “2004, 2006 and 2008! That was when I was… bla bla bla and this happened to me bla bla bla” (By the way, those 3 years are the years I always mention. ) And the years in between them are those I like to call “transition years”.

So 2009 has been a transition year for me. Nothing much worth remembering – a few good times here and there, a few hitches along the way. Didn’t make life-changing decisions, no extremely good times etc. But the things you do in these transition years are those that make your “best years” AMAZING. Cos even though you take baby steps or are just doing mini things, those things are the ones that result in you having a great year! Well I’m not saying “transition years” only last a year (even though in my life so far, they do). There are probably three or four years that you will feel like… well like you are in transition lol. But I like to believe that when you are in transition, you’re just in for something wonderful to come your way. And I’ve seen 2009 that way. 2010 might not be a GREAT year for me(but it may be, I never know) but maybe 2011 will be! You just won’t know till you got to the end of the year and that’s why I’m so excited about 2010! Can’t wait to see what this year has in store for me!

Talking about new beginnings and all, I decided to limit blogging to a minimal and start a journal instead maybe. Because I realise how much of my life is put up to the world to see and that people who I don’t really want stalking me are stalking me and it kinda makes me feel uncomfortable, in some ways. I know my blog is a good way to stay in touch with me cos I’m not a very “keep-in-touch” person. But it sorta feels like a one-way thing cos I don’t know who my readers are and friends who are reading right now even, don’t tell me what’s happening on their side of the world. And it’s not like I blog that much anymore anyway – only the occasional “I’m stressed, exams coming, essays due bla” nonsense and the very mundane everyday things that make me excited in Bristol. I did try password-protecting my posts but I didn’t really like the idea. So it’s back to the old traditional route of keeping a journal, not that I’m complaining cos I’m old-fashioned like that – love writing on paper. I’m keeping this blog though cos it holds so so many memories and I like to post songs and videos once in a while.

Then again, I always contradict myself. So maybe I’ll blog even more. Lol. Anyway kesimpulannya, 2009 was quite a crap year. Looking forward to 2010 – I know it will be amazing! I can just feel it! Happy new year all! x

Counting down the days of 2009…

I’ve kinda already typed out my year-end post to be published on the last few days of 2009 (or first few days of 2010, depends when I come online). So I guess this is probably my last post for this year.

So Christmas is over and done with. I had just about the perfect Christmas. Christmas concert on the eve, early start to the day thanks to my 8 year old brother who couldn’t wait to open the presents, loads of Guitar Hero, music playing in every corner of the house, 90% successfully made a friend’s famous mushroom soup, turkey + dad’s quiche lorraine dinner, friend’s birthday barbeque and later, drinks –  a perfectly chilled out, easy-going Christmas and I wouldn’t have traded it for anything else. Definitely the last one in Malaysia for a while – am hoping to get a white one next year.

***

I’m done with being frozen. Like Lot’s wife in the Bible, she turned back and turned into stone. Being frozen gets a little lonely when you see the rest of the world rushing past you. I know there are things I cannot change and I had enough trying to. I’m amazed by how much forward I’ve moved since summer this year. But these few days, memories have been playing like a film reel in my head. I’ve decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and from the moment I made that decision, the images has been flooding my mind non-stop.

But today God said, “Don’t be like Lot’s wife.” I’ve been frozen for a long long time and I see the world moving along past me. I tried to reach out, grab the hands belonging to these familiar faces and beg them to take me with them. Done everything in my power to follow behind. My arms and legs have broken free and I caught up. I thought I was going to be okay. But little did I know that my heart was still frozen. No matter how I tried I couldn’t move forward cos my heart was holding me back. And that part of me wasn’t ready to follow along; that part of me continued to look back everyday. For a while I couldn’t understand why I can’t move on when it feels like I have. And then I realised that my heart had gotten colder with the season. Became even more frozen, harder to thaw, as cold and solid as a block of ice. But today I want my heart of flesh back. I’m done being frozen. Done looking back at 2008. Finished with remembering – let memories stay memories. I’m letting go of all the unforgiveness, anger, resentment, hurt, brokenness, vengeance, bitterness. I’m letting it all go today.

You can’t just stop being frozen when you already are. But my God is a God who is an amazing rectifier of mistakes. He can turn my mistake around and He can unfreeze me. Ever loving, ever forgiving. He’s going to start injecting warmth today. My frozen heart might take a while to melt but by letting a little warmth come back is making all the difference.

“In your covering letter, tell us….”

Just had a proper chance to sit down and have a look at all my vacation scheme applications. All the covering letters and CV requirements. Reading all the questions on demonstrating commercial awareness etc. And it’s all so easy to be discouraged and to give up even before I try.

Sometimes, it’s so much easier to not dream big. To just be content with life as you know it. But I’ve been brought up to shoot for the stars because I am as capable as any other person applying and if that’s what I truly want, God will give it to me. That life is bigger than I can imagine. I was told to dream big cos life is so much more than the bubble I am in. I’ve been taught that I can do anything I lay my hands to do because I have God on my side. And that I’m in no way any less better than the next person.

It’s just that when I look at my circumstances, I feel like I will never make it. But I’m sure it’s just a tiny moment of discouragement. I can do ANYTHING in Christ who strengthens me and it means applying to the TOP law firms in London. It’s not me, it’s for Him to do. And like what I always always tell people, “no harm trying!” Even if I don’t get any offers, hey at least I won’t hate myself for not trying!