Reckless abandon; hard to believe we were that way once

A few days ago, my brother mentioned how he wish he was young again. To which, I retorted, “What are you talking about?! You’re still young!”

But I understood what he was getting at. I mean, yes I’m still young if you consider the fact that I just turned twenty.

I miss the feeling of being young, reckless and irresponsible. And knowing you’re young so no mess is ever too big. I use to be different. Spontaneous. And even if I’m not, I try to be. I make decisions without thinking twice about the consequences. I did whatever I liked. I didn’t think about what people thought about me. I used to cheerlead and dance for goodness sake! (I don’t think anyone I met in the recent years thinks I’m the type) I ran across the school foyer when I was in my final year just to slip in front of the whole school and burn with embarrassment. I was rebellious. (Not proud of it now but I think it was just a phase. Lol.) Never cared if I embarrass myself. (The reason why my high school friends have seen that side of me and I’m not ashamed to go crazy in front of them.) Spoke my opinion. Laughed loud.

Growing up meant shouldering responsibilities. Learning to live in a different country away from home meant having to be more careful. After all mum and dad aren’t a phone call away anymore. Get good grades. Make sure you don’t waste your parents’ money. Don’t spend on unnecessary things. Think twice before you buy that. Take care of your health. Don’t get too drunk. And when I’m here, don’t come back too late. Drive carefully; you’re responsible for the car too. I guess you don’t have to be responsible. I mean I could have gone to UK and spent all my parents’ money on getting wasted every night or gambling. But I chose to be responsible and am not saying I don’t like my decision. I’m just saying I wish I don’t have to be like that for once.

I just wish I was young (in that way) again. And for that, I know I need my partners-in-crime back. But I know one of them is never returning and another whose priorities have changed and others who are just different now. If I could go back to a few years in my life just to go through it all over again and without changing anything, I would say 2005, 2006 (last two years of high school) and 2008.

How about you? Which years of your life would you go through again?

Not wrapping this in ribbons; shouldn’t have to give a reason why

Word spreads like wildfire. And there is a tendency for people reading my blog to take things too literal or personal.

I don’t hate this country. Period. I didn’t resent coming home. I’m not reluctant to be spending summer here.

I was just a little bored and restless and disappointed. And like always I’m going to blame it on PMS too.

So last weekend I went to Malacca and I remembered why I never wanted to leave this country in the first place. I’ve forgotten how the heat here is so intense that 5 mins in the sun, you start sweating profusely. I’ve forgotten how I love long rides in the car. I’ve forgotten how much I love cendol. I’ve forgotten that I still have friends who are crazy and are some of the only people I’m truly comfortable with. It’s these little things that I’ve missed and remembered how much I love.

Ahhh, especially the heat. The moment I stepped out of the car I declared “Yay I love the sun! I should be tanned by the end of the day!”. Of which I got a few weird stares from my friends and Chin Yip even exclaimed, “What?! Love the heat???” Few minutes later and my excitement about the sun has vanished altogether and been replaced with complaints about how hot it is and looking for a fan to cool down. Haha. Reminder to self: the intensity of the sun here might be the same as it is in UK but the humidity is not and 5 degrees is a BIG difference! (By the way, UK is experiencing a heatwave so they are getting temperatures of 29 – 34 degrees! At least they get to experience some Asian weather! )

Anyway last week has been better than the week before. Been seeing the college gang a lot, attended the most boring Econs lecture in my life (actually the only Econs lecture I’ve ever attended in my life lol) in hopes of seeing some cute HELP guys but apparently not and coming out feeling very old instead because everyone looked like they were fresh out of school (which they actually are), went around HELP to see how much it has changed, had a Klang-day with the Subang people and 1 HK person.

And things are looking up. I’m tres excited cos I have an aim for these summer holidays! Got a job today so am working 4 out of 7 days. Less time for socialising but at least I would never be bored now. Also French lessons to get a head start for French classes next year! Tonight, a farewell dinner for an ex-classmate so seeing some people I haven’t met yet (am driving to MV cos I have no other form of transport. Jesus, journey mercy pleeeeeassseeee! Omg, I might actually panic. In case you didn’t know, am not one of the best drivers around. LOL.) and then a continuous stream of goodbyes to the Aust people in July. Singapore last week of July baby! (please please let me be able to take leave!) And then a few family hols to Penang, Cameron and hopefully fingers crossed, Langkawi with a couple of college people in August!

So yeah I have plenty of things to look forward to now and I think I’ll hardly blog (then again, everytime I say that I blog even more. Haha.) Alright! Bring on summer!

You do a pretty good job at forgetting

I didn’t come home to feel like this.

Home and feeling 50-50 about it

I’ll be honest with you. I’m not exactly 100% excited about coming home this time round. Not as I was during Christmas break.

I don’t know. Ok maybe I do know but it’s multiple things really.

I’ve missed the family so so much especially Jayson-boy! And how much he has matured over the last few months. Still my baby brother though

But it’s the other things that make it different. I expected difference and change. But maybe I didn’t expect my inability to adapt?

“Stop telling me that what have I been believing in has been wrong. Stop making me question my beliefs. I know who I love and who I worship and He’s the same God you love and worship. So stop trying to tell me what’s wrong and what’s right. How is it that you know better than me?”

“I know you want me here. I know you’ve missed me and you would want me to come home after 3 years. But what if I can’t? I can’t tell you my future plans because those lie with Him. But I can tell you that it’s going to break my heart if I had to come home for good. It’s the truth. Six months made me so heavy-hearted, I don’t know what will happen if I have to leave for good. It all depends on whether I have enough reason to come back. Yes this is home, it has been home for the last 19 years of my life but home feels distant this time.

Like on the cover, it looks the same. That it has been whitewashed with glossy paint so it covers all the greying parts and all the glossiness now seem fake. Or rather, it has always been glossy. I’ve always seen home through rose-tinted glasses and now I’m beginning to scratch at the edges peeling off and I finally see that this not what I want. I don’t know where I belong. I know my citizenship is not of this world but won’t there be a place on this earth where I’ll feel at home? I truly don’t know. I need enough reason to come back.”

“I’ve always thought you would be the reason I’ll want to come home. Well one of them at least. But if we go through the next 3 years like how we did this year, you won’t be anything at all. I guess I expected too much of you. And I should know better than to put my hopes on anyone apart from God. Haven’t I learnt enough lessons to know human beings always disappoint?”

Jetlagged much at the moment which means staying up too late in the quiet nights and thinking too much. But am not depressed or sad or emo or anything, am just needing an outlet for the thoughts – don’t read too much into my ramblings and assume things please.

Looking forward to the food this weekend! (DON’T LET ME SUCCUMB TO TEMPTATION AND EAT TOO MUCH THIS WEEKEND, YOU PEOPLE! I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!! I’M FREAKING SERIOUS!) Ok maybe, I should not eat from Wednesday to Friday then I can eat as much as I want this weekend. Sounds like a better plan than trying to resist good hawker/nyonya food no?

In the aeroplane over the sky

“I wanna go hooooooooomeeeeeeeee……”

“Dedicated to the girl who knows the score.”

One last round of singing and piano-playing, a sip of Razor (a WH Bar specialty), laughs, video-taking, photos, last time ever in the room-by-the-bar, last WH dinner, the first goodbyes…. It’s all coming to an end. No more Wills. End of era.

I’m going to miss the Hall – all the silly things like formals, wearing the gown, looking for 20p for laundry, meal cards etc etc and even more, I’m going to miss the WH gang. It has been an awesome awesome first year and I’m so so glad I chose to stay in a student hall for my first year.

It feels surreal that this is ending. It really does. And odd that I’m finally flying home.

Sorry for the lack of replies of MSN or emails and FB wall posts. See you all very very very soon.

If it’s a broken part, replace it. If it’s a broken arm then brace it…

My year here is coming to an end. And as expected, all the girls are getting sentimental about leaving hall. Well of course I feel the same way but I think I’m letting my feelings for other things cloud my thoughts.

I waited half a year to go home and now that I’m a week away to boarding that plane, I’ve never been more apprehensive or nervous. Six months has been a long time to be away and people have changed. And I don’t know what to expect from it. Will we still be able to talk as if I’ve never left? Or will there be awkward silences? Will we still share the same laughs and jokes? Or feel like a huge chunk of our lives has passed without each other and there’s no way to fill it again?

Well I’ll know in a week won’t I?

 

…If it’s a broken heart then face it.

Why’d you have to wait to find me?

I’ve been back from Paris quite sometime ago. Just hadn’t really felt like blogging in a while.

Wasn’t an amazing trip but it wasn’t too bad either. It could have been better but a satisfactory trip nonetheless. I wouldn’t go back though. Only maybe for a day – to buy macarons from Ladurée, have the awesome beef stew from Chez Toinette, and see the rest of Louvre I didn’t manage to.  I loved the Louvre!

Anyway here are a few pictures. Might or might not (there were way too many!) put the rest on FB. 

Am way to lazy to upload more at the moment. Room is a major war-zone and I can’t live in these conditions anymore – I need to start tidying!

 

Current plans before heading home?

• Be a major slacker and spend my days lying in the sun and tanning (IF the sun ever comes back *rolls eyes* )
• Cycle around Bristol – my friend’s lending me his bike! Whee!
• Run (maybe?)
• PACK!
• Wills Hall Summer Ball
• Day trip to Cardiff
• Movie marathon
• Bicester again 
• Finish reading The Other Hand and Remember Me (and last few chapters of New Moon lent by a friend)

And if anyone wants anything in particular from the UK or Bristol, please let me know now. Or else I might not have enough luggage space later.

xxx

Aidan Davis!

He’s so good-looking, I think in 10 years he’s going to be such a heartbreaker! And he so so looks like Wentworth Miller! LOL. Kinda bummed I’m missing the finals tomorrow but no matter what happens, he’s my winner for Britain’s Got Talent!

Law school? 1/3 done!

Exams have been intense. But God has truly been faithful and amazing. All the Holy Spirit promptings and giving me memory I don’t normally have (The absent mindedness gets so bad that I tend to forget what I’m saying mid-sentence. Lol). Only tiny problem was not obeying Him. Was so distinctly and clearly asked to read that particular article last night but I wanted to sleep instead.-_- But it’s okay, overall the exams have been good. For first time ever, I feel satisfied about an exam. (:

It honestly feels odd to not have to do anything. To not have to look at words. Read, read and more reading. Or look for cases or make notes. To not have to force myself to go to the library every morning lugging all the heavy textbooks. Or spend unnecessary money on cab fare cos I leave the library at 12 and it’s too late to walk alone or take the bus. 

Ahhhh it feels good to be free. To know that I have no need to use my brain for the next four months. XD

Paris on Saturday morning! Then back in UK for about 2 – 3 weeks before it’s home bound!

One awesome thing about being in the UK  - Britain’s Got Talent! The woman judge is crap though. Hot but her judging is worse than Paula, I’m serious. Yep, that’s what I’m doing this evening while all the other lawyers hit the clubs and get wasted. I’m such a geek I know. But I rather be a geek than get so embarrassingly drunk and have the photos all over Facebook. Don’t understand how some people let themselves get into that state. 

Anyway, loads to blog about, loads to think about now that my mind is cleared of all the law stuff and plenty of time to put those thoughts into words. Till I get back from Paris, au revoir and dieu vous bénisse! xxx

Blondeness strikes. Again.

There I was starving. No idea why either, it was only 11 am but I was feeling peckish. And I needed something to munch. Reached for my seaweed stash only to find Twisties sent from home underneath them! Yay for mummy! Something to fill me up and to remind me of home! Finished it. Looked at the packet just after I did to realise that it has been two weeks since the expiry date.

-_-” 

Exams truly do bring out the blonde in me. Sigh. 

Anyway, I got/ am getting/ going to get my miracle! I truly believe and claim it! God is amazing! See you in 2 – 3 days!